While I’m in Charleston, South Carolina, for a retreat, I’m sharing some of my favorite blogs from the past. “I’m doing everything right. Why isn’t my body responding?” “Being on a diet makes it really hard to enjoy life.” “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!” “Losing weight is a struggle every day.” “I’m so TIRED of being overweight.” “Why can’t I just have a normal body, and relax and enjoy myself like I see other people do?” “I’m already working so hard and I’m not seeing any results. I don’t know what else to do.” These are common statements that I hear women make. They feel frustrated, angry, and often think that their body is somehow faulty and that they are stuck with the body shape they have. And they desperately want something else. They yearn for a healthy, slim, and sexy body—sometimes more than anything else! What if it is these very thoughts that are holding you back? What if those feelings of desperation and yearning are like spraying yourself with healthy, slim, and sexy repellent? It’s possible that may actually make you feel worse. “How can I not feel desperate,” you might ask? “How can I not think dieting is hard when it bloody well is,” you might argue? This is not meant to make you self-critical, inspire you to explain to me why your situation is different (that just keeps you stuck), or to overwhelm you because you’re already working so hard to “fix it.” Honestly, I get it. I spent more than 35 years thinking some of those same thoughts and feeling that desperation. I couldn’t get a break. My body was somehow faulty, and actually felt like it was working against me. I tried everything and I couldn’t see any more solutions. […]
As Judge and Jury, Give Your Body a “Not Guilty”
A client last night was in serious distress. A part of her that felt out of her control had acted in a way that contradicted her core values. She had been less than perfect. And she was mentally and emotionally whipping herself. Her self-punishment was extreme for the “crime.” No one else would ever have judged her as harshly as she was judging herself. Anyone else would have forgiven her where she could not easily forgive herself. She is not alone. Many of the women I work with think they have to be “perfect.” Not just perfect in their eating and exercise, but in what they say and how they show up in the world. The truth is, you aren’t meant to be perfect. One of the best ways for you to grow and evolve is to experience the diversity of life and figure out what you DON’T like so you can decide what you DO want. If you were perfect, you would never learn anything, or get to challenge yourself or grow. It would be as if everything in the world were yellow. And while you may love yellow, you appreciate it so much more if there’s a little blue, pink, or green thrown in for some contrast. Seeing where you aren’t perfect is an opportunity. Engaging in the process of figuring out what you DO want and practicing that is really where life energy flows. It’s where you think new thoughts and gain new perspective and take new actions. It’s how you sculpt and create the body of your dreams. This is where the fun is! This is where you are truly engaged—and where releasing the weight is easy. Let go of the […]
Get Empowered to Get the Body You Want
“I’m doing everything right. Why isn’t my body responding?” “Being on a diet makes it really hard to enjoy life.” “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!” “Losing weight is a struggle every day.” “I’m so TIRED of being overweight.” “Why can’t I just have a normal body, and relax and enjoy myself like I see other people do?” “I’m already working so hard and I’m not seeing any results. I don’t know what else to do.” These are common statements that I hear women make. They feel frustrated, angry, and often think that their body is somehow faulty and that they are stuck with the body shape they have. And they desperately want something else. They yearn for a healthy, slim, and sexy body—sometimes more than anything else! What if it is these very thoughts that are holding you back? What if those feelings of desperation and yearning are like spraying yourself with healthy, slim, and sexy repellent? It’s possible that may actually make you feel worse. “How can I not feel desperate,” you might ask? “How can I not think dieting is hard when it bloody well is,” you might argue? This is not meant to make you self-critical, inspire you to explain to me why your situation is different (that just keeps you stuck), or to overwhelm you because you’re already working so hard to “fix it.” Honestly, I get it. I spent more than 35 years thinking some of those same thoughts and feeling that desperation. I couldn’t get a break. My body was somehow faulty, and actually felt like it was working against me. I tried everything and I couldn’t see any more solutions. But what I discovered is that I had the solution all along. What is actually going on here is that you have a […]
How to See Yourself as Sexworthy
One of my clients was going to have her kids out of the house for the weekend and was planning to surprise romance her husband. But while she was getting dressed, she began criticizing her body. She imagined her husband being as disgusted by her body as she was, and she felt unsexworthy. The negative self-judgment was so painful that she wound up spending the evening crying alone in her bedroom. I know that she is not the only one. Many women who struggle with their weight avoid or turn down sex with their partners, or hide their bodies in the dark and under the covers. They suffer from body shame. Often, what is happening is you are so afraid of being judged and criticized by others that you heap on the self-abuse to the point that you shut down and shut off everything but the pain. From this place of fear and despair it’s impossible to believe that anyone would find you attractive—or that you are worthy of another’s appreciation and love. But the painful truth is that no one else was in that room with my client. No one else was heaping on criticism or telling her she was unattractive. She was doing it to herself. She never even gave her husband the chance to see her, comfort her, reassure her, and demonstrate to her how sexy he thinks she is and how much he loves her. She took that opportunity away from him. And the negative thoughts she attributed to him—without his input or knowledge—are now a belief about him that she is carrying around that will impact their relationship in subtle ways. And it will impact her ability to release […]
Embrace This to Release the Weight
I’m working to embrace all of me. This includes the part of me that reacts with anger, the part of me that stress eats, and the part that judges me for those things. It’s not always easy. At the root of this is the belief that if I’m not perfect, I will be unlovable. My core human needs of love and security are at risk. Is it any wonder that I’m recovering from perfectionitis? Perfectionitis is the need to do everything perfectly. Not only has perfectionitis been a significant contributor to my past struggles with my weight, but I see the majority of the women I work with suffering from it, as well. Here is one of major symptoms. It often shows up as the need to do a diet and exercise program perfectly, or you might as well give up. Not only is that unrealistic, it’s exhausting. And it means that one mistake can sabotage months of progress. The truth is, we are all perfect in our imperfection. Sounds like a contradiction doesn’t it? This is the dichotomy of life. There can be 2 truths that exist at the same time. Here are some examples: I’m totally and completely imperfect AND I’m awesome. My body is imperfect AND I’m beautiful. My eating is imperfect AND I’m healthy and slim. I’m self-critical AND I love and appreciate myself. I’ve created a life that I love AND there’s room to make it even better. Can both of these be true at the same time? Yes! By not making either aspect of you “right” or “wrong.” When you can fully embrace both aspects of you as perfect, fully feel the pain AND joy of being alive, and accept […]
The Most Important Thing to Train to Get the Body You Want
What do you see when you look in the mirror? What are your thoughts about yourself? How much praise is there compared to criticism? According to a recent survey by Glamour, on average, women have 13 negative body thoughts daily and a disturbing number of women confess to having 35, 50 or even 100 hateful thoughts about their own shapes each day. Would you speak to someone else the way you speak to yourself? How would they feel if you did? If the majority of your self-talk it’s something you would never say to someone else, why is it OK to say to yourself? Don’t worry. It’s not just you. In fact, it may actually be more socially acceptable to insult your body than to praise it. According to Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D., a Cincinnati psychologist who specializes in body image and helped design the Glamour survey, “It’s become such an accepted norm to put yourself down that if someone says she likes her body, she’s the odd woman out.” Kearney-Cooke says a big reason for this is that we’ve actually trained ourselves to think this way. “Neuroscience has shown that whatever you focus on shapes your brain. If you’re constantly thinking negative thoughts about your body, that neural pathway becomes stronger—and those thoughts become habitual.” This is why you have to transform your mind to get the body you want. One of my client’s biggest thought patterns is that they are less than—less valuable, less important, less smart, less beautiful, less worthy, etc., etc.—than those to whom they compare themselves. Retraining how you think is critical to breaking the rebound weight-gain cycle for good. One way to retrain your brain is to acknowledge the truth. The […]
How to Use Respect to Get the Body You Want
A former boss of mine had a sign on his door that read, “The floggings will continue until morale improves.” It was a joke, of course. But how often do we try to motivate ourselves with the whip of internal insults, slurs, and condemnations? Does telling yourself that you’re “ugly, fat, stupid, and lazy,” really make you want to get up and do your workout, or forgo the potato chips? This may be tough to hear, but if spoken aloud, your internal dialogue might be deemed verbal abuse. Sometimes this abuse can go on practically nonstop, every day. What do you think this does to your self-esteem and belief that you can achieve your wellness goals? Pushing through this line of thinking to create action takes incredible energy and strength, much like rolling a boulder up a hill. And while progress can be made, without changing your underlying thoughts, emotions, and beliefs, one moment of mental fatigue or flagging self-discipline may result in your watching that boulder roll right back down. The result is you not only regain all the weight you lost, but then some. Changing your thoughts, emotions, and beliefs about yourself, what you want, and your ability to achieve it helps break this cycle of self-punishment. It creates a boost of momentum that makes your push towards wellness a lot more fun and sustainable. A general rule of thumb is, “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, it’s not appropriate to say to yourself.” Begin treating yourself with the respect you deserve. Focus on all the reasons you do want to move your body and eat healthy foods. Focus on all the things you are doing to move yourself forward. […]
Aren’t You Curious?
I set aside time yesterday to work on my business bookkeeping. In addition to a little bit of procrastination, I found myself starting the project with a small bowl of dark chocolate chips. And I went back for seconds. Of course this is not the end of the world and I did get the bookkeeping done, but what both the procrastination and chocolate let me know is that I have some negative, catabolic thoughts, emotions, and beliefs going on that I need to look at. Whenever your actions and goals aren’t in alignment, it just means there’s some underlying catabolic energy that needs to be addressed. That’s it. It’s not an indication of your strength of character, willpower, or how good a person you are. And it’s not about the food. Mentally beating yourself up in these situations is the equivalent of throwing gasoline on a fire. Adding negative self-criticism is literally just making the underlying catabolic energy stronger and giving it more momentum. It’s best just to step back and observe yourself with curiosity. What’s going on here? What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What do I believe about myself in regards to this situation? And don’t even try to change your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in that moment. Remember, you’ve got some energetic momentum built up. Stepping in front of an energetic tidal wave will emotionally pound you into the rocks. Just watch and let the wave go by. Later, when you’re feeling good and are in a positive, anabolic state of energy, you can revisit the scenario and look at the underlying beliefs. Not only do you gain clarity from this better-feeling place, but you can more powerfully change your […]
How Much Power are You Giving to the Scale?
Does having your gas gauge in your car read “empty” ruin your whole day? Do you post about it on your blog and tell all your friends what a failure it makes you? Do you measure the air in your tires, and sit down on the curb and cry because it doesn’t show the number you wanted? When you figure out the average number of miles you drive on a gallon of gas and it hasn’t’ changed from the day or week before, do you berate yourself with what an awful person you are—and go find comfort in a donut? Then why are you doing that after you step on the bathroom scale? Most women that I work with give way too much of their personal power to the scale. In their minds, not only does it measure how well they’ve done sticking to their exercise and eating plans, but it also measures their self-worth. In truth, neither of these is the case. The scale is just a tool—and a faulty one at that—that can be used to help you release weight. Using it consistently gives you a general idea of where you are your journey. It typically does not accurately measure body fat—which is what you really want to know—and because weight is impacted by things like hormones, salt, sleep, etc., etc., it can go up and down for what feels like no reason. When it becomes the deciding factor in the quality of your day and crashes your self-esteem, it is actually doing you harm. You might as well throw it away. It is holding you back, keeping you stuck, and making the weight stick to you like glue. This is because the […]
You Are So Beautiful!
What is beautiful to you? Does it involve a certain body weight or shape? A certain wellness level? When you look in the mirror do you see your definition of beauty smiling back? I often hear clients focused on wanting to change how others see women and judge beauty. There is much frustration that women on television and in ads are significantly thinner than average. People point to pundits’ criticisms of specific bodies. There are many photos of past sex symbols who were less than lean tied to complaints about the changing definition of beauty. But how likely is it that you are going to change society, or the modeling, television, or advertising industries? Wouldn’t it be easier to focus on your own judgments and definition of beauty? Until you are so pure in your appreciation of every woman’s body and beauty that a critical thought is never entertained, until your actions align 100 percent with your personal definition of wellness, and you can look in the mirror with not only appreciation but adoration, you have no power to change anyone else. You may want others to deem you—or more women—as beautiful, but before that can happen, you must judge yourself as beautiful first. And you must allow everyone else to have their own definition of beauty. This is the sticking point for most women. You have to stop looking outside of you for self-esteem, appreciation, and acceptance. Those are things you have to give to yourself. It is only when you began making these internal changes that you will begin to see lasting external changes. To do this, you have to begin: Letting go of the fear of other people’s judgments. Aligning your actions […]
Stay Connected!